ExpatMothersDay

 

ExpatMother’sDay

 by Queen Gitchee

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The 2nd Sunday in May has come around again. Is it something we look forward to or is it another “hallmark card”  day, a token  designed to sell cards and meals at buffet restaurants? Real  but not quiet real. I mean it is not even Mother’s day in some countries today it is a staggered event. Do all the bad mothers go last? Does anybody really give a toss?

 I care. I have bought into the commercialism of the day. I have accepted the shopping trips that accompany  Christmas, Easter, Father’s day, International Women’s Day and  and Diwali. I want the flowers, the fancy dinner, coffee in bed, handmade cards from my children and some kind of handmade gift along with a not too expensive and not too cheap gift. Yep give it to me. I want to look like the Kmart ad, Target Ad, cover of Women’s Weekly on Mother’s day,me looking all coiffed, botoxed, 5 x a week gym fit, knee deep in white linen sheets,new pajamas, breakfast in bed with a  flower in a vase, clean children with rimmed nails and washed hair in white t shirts and clamdiggers, plus a husband  shirt undone showing his  rock hard abs carrying a carefully wrapped  Turkish carpet just for me! Then they all leave and I have my girlfriends over for a French Champagne lunchimages-5

 I am not my husband’s mother but I have grown to expect special treatment as the mother of his children. I did push them out of my vagina for him. I wanted a  handmade kilm for mother’s day. I saw one last week. It was gorgeous, happy colours, bohemian, energetic and  a bit rough around the edges all of the qualities I pride myself on!  I did mention when I mentioned it was MOTHERS Day this Sunday and  I would LOVE that as a gift. They all rolled their eyes.

OMG I just made this about me and not my mother.. oops. sorry MUM I love you. Happy Mother’s Day.

So what is today like  for me so far.I did get to sleep in. I woke to an empty bed. I got up went to the bathroom and found a FLOATER, flushed , contemplated  going back to bed, looked in mirror and saw a half Afghan dog half middle aged woman staring back at me in disbelief. She looked like she should be doing ads for nicotine patches on the cover of the $2 shop magazine, all bingo arms and crinkled skin and well a bit tubby.

 I did get a handmade card.It was not quiet finished but full of sentiments of LOVE. He spent a long time on the card and it is beautiful. The kids were very excited to see me and give me their gifts. I had a bit of a tear in my eye when I read “I love my mum she keeps me safe she is amazing” followed up with a very loving cuddle. 

One thing stood out  on the card  and made me a bit suspicious;

“I love you mum because you make me remember things I have to do” 

hmmmmmmmmmm  I spent an exorbitant time this past week, month, ok year yelling at the children to “empty your school bag make your bed, put your clothes in the wash basket and flush the toilet.  REMEMBER!… PLEASE JUST 2 Days in a row REMEMBER.”

I also got a pair of matching hair ties with little lady bugs on the end. I LOVE them and apparently there is a plastic bag with some friendship bands  in it lying around but they misplaced it.  It will be a special surprise for me later this week when I find it and will make me smile!

Happy Mother’s Day all you MUTHAS!

TTFN

QG

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ExpatPuppies

 

EXPATPUPPIES by Andy Mayer

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“Holy Shit! Are you kidding me?” was my response to a Russian friends explanation of how much was costing to relocate their ageing mastiff from Mongolia to The DRC.

 “ It costs what For a cat!” I exclaimed when an Aussie relayed the cost  of relocating her pet moggie from Saudi Arabia to Australia.

I am scared! Our children have been begging for a pet dog, well actually a puppy for years now. We have managed to save off the inevitable with statements like:

  • “You are just a bit young, maybe when you are older” – (they are older)
  • “Who would look after him when we go on holidays *#1 expat benefit
  • “You can’t seem to drag yourself away from minecraft so who would walk, clean up after and  feed the dog?” *#2 expat benefit
  • “ok in the next place we live you can have a puppy” (Fingers crossed behind my back)
  • “The only dogs we can get here in Mongolia/ Saudi Arabia/ Kurdistan are mongrels we better wait until you go to Australia and buy from a breeder?” *#3 expat benefit

So with statements like that we have managed to keep the boys happy with Terrapins and Sea monkeys. Ok none of those things worked out and we only have  dead terrapins and empty sea monkey enclosures.  (Don’t mention fucking Sea monkeys around me though I get a bit twitchy and have flashbacks to a nasty incident in Saudi Arabia. but I can talk about that later) 

Now the boys are older and after living in Mongolia we promised them and it is time to accept this challenge. The problem is there are only Mongrel breeds here and they are HUGE they are called Kangols ever heard of them? I hadn’t and google did not please me one bit. The other issue is Dubai has breeds available form “not puppy farms” but they are $1000 to $2000 for little rats on stilts! then you have to cargo them over. We can live with that but by far the most pressing issue at present is Max the 7 year old wants to call the dog, Jesus. He proudly tells us his new best friends is called Jesus with a smile bordering on a smirk like he just got away with swearing.

I have a friend in Abu Dhabi (who shall remain nameless) she is a lovely person and a kind animal lover so kind she is vegan! However when she was in Saudi she named her new pet cat Ahmed.It was a fateful choice of names for my Mexican mate because as she found out when registering him it was deeply offensive. Everyone needs a bit of Wasta* in the kingdom and the receptionist at the compound had a little bit and was particularly helpful if one needed a compound car in a hurry, an extra seat on a bus or some kind of assistance, anyway he also registered  all the compound pets! The mexican had a favourable relationship with this man and when she announced his name tag was to say Ahmed he boomed, “How dare you shame one of the 99 holy names of the prophet( SAWS), Astafrullahazim” and waved her away.He refused to acknowledge her again and there went her little bit of Wasta! Needless to say Ahmed was left behind proving “too difficult” to ship that little pussy out.

What will happen if max gets his way and the new $1000 puppy is called, Jesus or worse his full name ,Jesus Christ? Who knows but blasphemy runs high in our household and there will be shouts down the street on occasions “Jesus Christ come back here you bloody dog”

How much did the dog and the cat at the beginning of the story cost to relocate you ask? The Mastiff, called Walter, cost $14,000 USD and the  mongrel cat called ,Stinky cost $8000AUD. Ahmed didn’t cost a  cent and is  still with a loving family in Jeddah.

*#1 expat life causes families to bail on there place of residence on numerous holidays to tropical beaches

#2 ok it will be the housemaid/helper/nanny who does all that as l don’t lift a finger normally

#3 note to self include pet cargo in the next job contract! expats don”t pay for anything

#4 all  hashtag comments are said with tongue in cheek

andy xoxo