JuicyExpat by Andy Mayer
TING TING TING TING TING .. Ahem ….I would like to congratulate myself! …………………… For on the 7th Day (of detox) a sanctimonious wanker was created!
I have had my very own “Juicidan”. Ok it was not a whole month and it is not holy and I will probably get in trouble for calling it Juicidan” but I will blame my atheist husband for coining the phrase. Well truth be told I have 9 hours remaining until my celebratory feast.I am pretty chuffed with myself. I have run every day, done sit ups and not eaten anything only juice and water and horrid teas.
It is officially the end of the Holy Month of Ramadan and The Middle East is celebrating today along with Malaysia and Indonesia to name a few million more happy people. I would like to say Eid Mubarak to all my wonderful Muslim friends and their families celebrating this great week for Eid El Fitr.
I am celebrating tonight myself. I have successfully completed (almost) my 3 day juice fast in 7 days…. extraordinary effort. Mind you I am sipping a cup of “digestive tea otherwise known as “run to the shitter as fast as you can tea” while I type this and need to get through the day without a single morsel of food.
I must admit at this point that I have also been taking Chinese Herbs I smuggled in from China. They are disgusting and no matter if they are in powder form to sip in a tea, if you boil them up in a pot for hours on end stinking out the house or like me you have basically a hand rolled ball of sticky brown MUCK placed in a ping pong ball sized waxed receptacle they are still VILE! BUT BUT BUT they are amazing and they work. I eat this sticky ball every day. It gives me a sick pleasure like I actually get to eat food but it cannot and will never be classified as food. You could build roads with Chinese herbs!
Anyway again I have digressed. I need to get my Juice on! I need to get the juices flowing, if you get my drift. My tongue is covered in yellow “cack” and my body odour could kill the last Rhino. I have 9 hours to flush years of debauchery out of my system.
However, all I have left in my refrigerator are
- a couple of skanky looking tomatoes
- half a cantaloupe
- 2 past use by date granny smith apples
- 1 lime I illegally brought in my bag from Oman after consuming 2 bottles of Gin ( in one evening after dinner ) with fresh lime and tonic but clearly after the 55th gin we forgot about the lime! Thanks Roger as we can’t get limes here so it is now hardening nicely in my fridge and would have been enjoyed with a cheeky Tanqueray had I not decide to go on “juicidan” .
- 4 Oranges
- 1 dehydrated pice of ginger and
- 1 bunch of wilted silverbeet
That does not really inspire me to have a great juicing day….
I can feel my temperature rising and my inner juice barometer fluctuating, I can feel it in my waters my Tourettes is about to explode.. Nope I refuse to cave to my inner cookie monster. I shall turn on the air con, watch some Bargain Hunt and quote a line or 2 from the website spammer I have grown to love..
BEWARE THIS IS REVOLTING !
Just like my breath hair skin and BO!
* “fagots fags fanny fannyflaps fannyfucker fanyy fatass fcuk fcuker fcuking feck fecker felching fellate fellatio fingerfuck fingerfucked fistfucked fistfucker fistfuckers fistfucking fistfuckings fistfucks flange fook fooker fuck fucka fucked fucker fuckers fuckhead fuckheads fuckin fucking fuckings fuckingshitmotherfucker fuckme fucks fuckwhit fuckwit fudge packer fudgepacker fuk fuker fukker”
*I did not write this it was a random spammer on my website!
I feel better now!Oh and I never did finish my Tax…..