JuicyExpat by Andy Mayer



TING TING TING TING TING .. Ahem ….I would like to congratulate myself! …………………… For on the 7th Day (of detox)  a sanctimonious wanker was created!

I have had my very own “Juicidan”. Ok it was not a whole month and it is not holy and I will probably get in trouble for calling it Juicidan” but I will blame my atheist husband for coining the phrase. Well truth be told I have 9 hours remaining until my celebratory feast.I am pretty chuffed with myself. I have run every day, done sit ups and not eaten anything only juice and water and horrid teas.

EidIt is officially the end of the Holy Month of Ramadan and The Middle East is celebrating today along with Malaysia and Indonesia to name a few million more happy people. I would like to say Eid Mubarak to all my wonderful Muslim friends and their families celebrating this great week for Eid El Fitr.

I am celebrating tonight myself. I have successfully completed (almost) my 3 day juice fast in 7 days…. extraordinary effort. Mind you I am sipping a cup of “digestive tea otherwise known as “run to the shitter as fast as you can tea” while I type this and need to get through the day without a single morsel of food.


images-4I must admit at this point that I have also been taking Chinese Herbs I smuggled in from China. They are disgusting and no matter if they are in powder form to sip in a tea, if you boil them up in a pot for hours on end stinking out the house or like me you have basically a hand rolled ball of sticky brown MUCK placed in a ping pong ball sized waxed receptacle they are still VILE! BUT BUT BUT they are amazing and they work. I  eat this sticky ball every day. It gives me a sick pleasure like I actually get to eat food but it cannot and will never be classified as food. You could build roads with Chinese herbs!

Anyway again I have digressed. I need to get my Juice on! I need to get the juices flowing, if you get my drift. My tongue is covered in yellow “cack” and my body odour  could kill the last Rhino. I have 9 hours to  flush years of debauchery out of my system.

However, all I have left in my refrigerator are

  • a couple of skanky looking tomatoes
  • half a cantaloupe
  • 2 past use by date granny smith apples
  • 1 lime I illegally brought in my bag from Oman after consuming 2 bottles of Gin ( in one evening after dinner ) with fresh lime and tonic but clearly after the 55th gin we forgot about the lime! Thanks Roger as we can’t get limes here so it is now hardening nicely in my fridge and would have been enjoyed with a cheeky Tanqueray had I not decide to go on “juicidan” .
  • 4 Oranges
  • 1 dehydrated pice of ginger and
  • 1 bunch of wilted silverbeet


That does not really inspire me to have a great juicing day….

I can feel my temperature rising and my inner juice barometer fluctuating, I can feel it in my waters my Tourettes is about to explode.. Nope I refuse to cave to my inner cookie monster. I shall turn on the air con, watch some Bargain Hunt and quote a line or 2 from the website spammer I have grown to love..


                    BEWARE THIS IS REVOLTING !

      Just like my breath hair skin and BO!

* “fagots fags fanny fannyflaps fannyfucker fanyy fatass fcuk fcuker fcuking feck fecker felching fellate fellatio fingerfuck fingerfucked fistfucked fistfucker fistfuckers fistfucking fistfuckings fistfucks flange fook fooker fuck fucka fucked fucker fuckers fuckhead fuckheads fuckin fucking fuckings fuckingshitmotherfucker fuckme fucks fuckwhit fuckwit fudge packer fudgepacker fuk fuker fukker”

*I did not write this it was a random spammer on my website!


I feel better now!Oh and I never did finish my Tax…..


xooxoxox MWAH


images SweatyExpats by Andy Mayer


As summer has settled here in the Middle east I am thinking about Rexona Clinical?  Really? I mean is it a joke aimed at middle aged women in the beginnings of pre menopausal life. I laugh at those Clinical shampoo adverts, I snigger at the Clinical toothpaste ads but I buy the Clinical deodorant?

What was wrong with the crystal deodorant, the jasmine oil, the dove roll on even? Why doesn’t anything work anymore? I am a sweaty person. I sweat just thinking about sweat. As I sit here after my 3rd coffee (yep that makes me sweat too)I ponder why my sweat could not be contained in Mongolia?  A sweaty friend and I actually resorted to buying some 2nd hand   ( shows how desperate we were ) super dooper chemical  deodorant but when it was dropped off we read the labels and thought better of it. That stuff would kill us- dead , BO only kills off friendships, that stuff would kill an elephant.  To be honest she was much sweatier than me and I was just being supportive of Sarah! I am such a good friend.


Anyway I trudged around in my  cashmere leggings, poly cotton blend long sleeve undershirts, cashmere jumpers polyester coat, and a vast array of head neck and hand warming accessories. Could I have been too hot? Is it all that polyester? Cashmere cant make you sweat can it?  I didn’t see any bedraggled goats all wet and sweaty. Actually I did they looked baaaaad not so much hot and sweaty but icky you know what I mean.The end cashmere product of a dirty old goat is much nicer than what it is  in it’s natural habitat.

Sweat just disappoints everyone, especially me when I see those heavily made up ladies at the gym who don’t sweat and look perfect as they “elipse” away looking  fabulous. That disappoints me as I get all red faced, sweaty and molten looking and quit after 5 minutes. Actually I quit exercise 8 months ago and am just sweaty and paunchy.

Sweat  is icky, not as  bad and sticky as  “sex juices” but still icky. Once it starts it doesn’t stop and if  you do get the chance to cool the  wet sweat spot it  is still there as an odour! Oh the wet patches under the pits ewww cringe, the yellow stains under my husband’s white shirts. Oh yeah  don’t give me that Martha Fuckin’ Stewart” soak shirt in  vinegar” bullshit. It doesn’t work.


It is a balmy oh  42  fucking degrees inside  my office as I type. The power has gone off and the bacteria under my arms are flourishing.. mmmm I smell like Sarah my sweaty friend….

Many years ago my friend Todd and I spent a boozy evening at a greek restaurant( don’t get the dips you always full up on bread)  he had  the latest entrepreneurial million dollar idea. Pit Pads, I have mentioned this before but will elaborate. He went to a wedding one summer and did not want sweat stains in the photos so he  got a woman’s menstrual pad and lots of sticky tape, in fact bucket loads.  (I hope his Lebanese heritage didn’t cause pain on removal of anti sweat pads..) The table at this greek restaurant had paper in place of table cloths you know the ones where you scribble everywhere. Well we designed the Perfect Pit Pad. getting really hammered and leaving it on the table  was a mistake. Those darn people must have sent it to america to those Nipple Shield and party feet people and voila the next day on the internet Pit Pads were part of their damn portfolio!


In defiance I am back to Rexona Clinical and my friend is back to wearing singlet tops! Lucky he has great muscles!

xoxox Andy