FishyExpat

FishyExpat by Andy Mayer

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So in the developing world they say the food is not as nutritious as it should be and we need supplements.

I hear the same thing of produce in supermarkets all over the world and am not sold it is just an expat problem But in saying that I don’t recall piles of rotten onions, tomatoes and flies buzzing around the meat section in Australia.

So, because I don’t always by organic fruits or farmer’s market produce, I heeded the advice of many and started taking  multivitamin and Omega 3 supplements.

I have an issue with the Omega 3 knowing that it essentially the juice squeezed out of a fish. If offered any of you a teaspoon of fish juice you would vomit a little in your mouth or say  NO WAY.

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When I was young my grandmother/grandfather/mother/ older brother/ nasty relative used to offer me cod liver oil in exchange for a Caramel Koala. I know I was not alone in my agonising decision to take the spoon( a table spoon) or go without the chocolate. Hence my aversion to fish oils now. I always took the spoon. AGHH Eww pocket spew!

So these days the “cod liver oil” is disguised in these large oval clear gel capsules that are the size of a baby’s little finger, and the multi vitamins are  basically Horse Tablets….

massive tablets
massive tablets

If I have slept well I will put 1 multi and 2  fish juices in my mouth and swallow but mostly I tend to put the horse size tablets in my pockets and forget about them.

Today the unthinkable happened. I was in my “active wear” getting a bit hot and sweaty at the local boxing gym when all of a sudden  all I could smell was fish. Now girls are a bit sensitive to fishy smells emanating from their body and I am no different .

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However, I knew I

a) had showered twice that day

b) used soap on my nether regions

c) and not engaged in any sexual activity with a hobo

d) hadn’t dropped a sardine down my pants at lunchtime.

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I was erratically sniffing my top, my bra, my arms, my hair trying to figure out what the fuck smelled like fish.I even said to the trainer “can you smell that?” he looked away.Possibly in disgust.

My thoughts were taken back to the book Perfume when he  said was born on a pile of fish by his whore of a mother, then dismissed any negative self doubts and went home thinking it just had to be  the trainer .

Yet I arrived home stinking of fish. Oh FUCK.

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Ok don’t get all hoity toity on me when I tell you the next part. I was confused, disgusted and afraid, so went straight to  the bathroom yanked my active wear down and  and took a big whiff! After establishing and  being   pretty sure it was not my nether regions ( but close)  I then ran to our housekeeper and  basically, in a polite way, accused her of putting my gym gear in a bucket of fish scales.

 

“WTF?” you say…. No NO really  it was a reasonable assumption. Last week the boys borrowed a bucket from her and took it fishing then scaled and gutted those fish in the bucket. I came to the reasonable conclusion that she threw my gym gear in it! Maybe on purpose  maybe by mistake….

She was mortified, then accused me of going fishing in my gym gear but realised that was absurd so looked down at my pubic region sneering.

That's  what she was thinking.
That’s what she was thinking.

She  then   quickly ran around the house reclaiming  all the dark items she had washed the day before. . …..my son’s black tracky pants, his navy blue footy top, my black dress( with pockets) and my active wear were all washed together and stank of FISH.

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I was horrified as I inhaled the stench of each freshly laundered item. Enough I said it is too gross and too disturbing. I asked her to rewash everything with double soap.

I took a shower re sniffed my now clean body ( no fish smell)  and headed downstairs. The housekeeper presented to me what appeared to be a large pice of rodent pooh……. one weird arse pellet looking thing. She claimed to have found it   in the pocket of my dress.

On close inspection and a  quick review of my weekend antics.( it was my birthday) I surmised the rodent pooh   used to be my horse tablet of a  multivitamin. Hmm why was it in my dress. Oh yeah  remembered I had not taken my supplements that morning as I was about to go out,  so thought I should pop them in my pocket go to the pub and  down them with a giant pint of Murphy’s.

I wonder what  could have possibly happened to the 2 giant fish oil capsules?

OH MY GOD my running pants smelled of FISH in public!

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