FartingExpat by Andy Mayer
We all have embarrassing incidents from a yoga class. Maybe not as embarrassing as the Parents Association meetings but close.
I invited a friend to come along to our yoga class as it was really good. I just warned her it was a bit unusual, more Indian ashram than Fitness First Gym and had it would have chanting as well. She responded with;
“I don’t mind as long as it doesn’t have that lion thing in it.”
“Oh that never happens, we never do that stupid Lion thing” I said.
Which was true we never did the Lion roaring thing. Secretly I like it but worry about my coffee coated or red wine stained tongue giving my non yogic life away.
Anyway ,she rocks up all perky and excited and a bit nervous to the yoga class and 15 mins in the teacher instructs us to get on all fours and roar like a fucking lion. We get down on all fours with me avoiding all eye contact with my friend and looking at my sagging boobs and tummy. The teacher starts his eye rolling, head bobbing tongue sticking out Lion roar .
My friend snort laughed then shook uncontrollably with hilarity, glared at me and fled out of the class. I was left dribbling, sobbing with laughter, sucking in air whilst sticking out my tongue but was unable to move because I thought I was going to wet my pants. I think I lost Brownie points with my teacher that day.
Anyway keeping my post short today It goes a little like this .
A friend of mine called me to tell me about an incident in the yoga class. I am so peeved I was not there in person. I suspect I would have been kicked out though because I have an immature sense of humour. So here is a verbatim (in my mind) recollection of her call.
C:”OMG I have to tell you what happened in Yoga today.”
Me:” “Please do.”
C: “Well Dr Panda was taking an amazing class, it sucks you missed it ‘
Me:”O damn it… wish I went”
C: “So he does like 20 salutes to the sun and some chanting and then we do this asana where we sit, you know with our knuckles pressing on our pubic bone, we are deep breathing with our eyes closed. “
Me: “Oh I know that one, yeah yeah tell me what happened”
C: “It was great and in my head I think wow this is a great position to remove gas and then the next thing my body lets out this huge fart.
Me: “snigger snigger….. snort, Oh NO”
C: “Omg it was really loud ( *** insert loud fart noise”) and even though everyone had their eyes closed and was doing that breathing thing it was so loud everyone would have heard it but because I and just been thinking how great it would be to fart and then farted unintentionally I found it hilarious so started laughing and then everyone knew it was me!
Me: ROFL crying tears of joy
C: “Oh it was soooooo embarrassing……….. I wish you had been there.”
Well My darling friend this is for you