by Andy Mayer


Don’t you just LERVE and despise those women that pull of a complete designer (expat) rental home with Ethnic/Tribal/Modern pizzaz? 

Come on most of us have no possessions and turn up to a new posting to a fully furnished home in Beige, beige and bland  or a fully furnished home in Franco Cozzo meets Louis XIV with gilt framed ceilings and polyester bedspreads or we  just get the previous tenants smoke stained filthy lounge and  have a few ikea plastic kids plates in the cupboard. We always manage to buy something significantly connected with the country we travel to or live in. One of those “just had to have one” moments. 

I get to lug all our worldly possessions around the world. Oh the joy it is knowing half the stuff will be slashed, torn, ripped, smashed, chipped or stolen. 

My expat rental  home usually looks like  nomadic Mongolian,Turkish,Indian and a Thai family plonked all together in a room bringing all the things they don’t need anymore and then a family of inner city Melbournites moved in! I always think our stuff is an eclectic mix of  bohemian, stylish, academic, well travelled coolness but when I enter the homes of the really cool ones I know mine is a dog’s breakfast of decorating. I suck at decorating and style. Any who knows me can tell you that from the way I dress. 

Take Veronique, she lived in Morocco, Turkey, China, Lebanon, France, Saudi and about 10 other bloody amazing countries. Her home was the epitome of cool.Think amazing  bedouin head-dress mounted onto handcrafted wooden base which became a lightstand, oversized prayer beads  and calligraphy brushes making a statement on a fabulous French consol and to top  a replica Cappadoccia in clay on the floor behind the couch! She is French you know!

Seriously if I put anything on the floor in my house it would shatter in a million pieces within minutes by either my kids kicking a  footy, running over it with a scooter or me  stepping on it while getting pissed and dancing around it at 3am at a party for one.. Oh hang on I don’t do that and if I did I would NOT tell you about it.

humpf!  let’s move on


Take Anita, OMg  she is the Queen of interior design in shitty  ugly mass produced middle eastern compound homes. She taught me to request a “white pallet”..

“What? ” I say puzzled

“Well you make sure every wall, window frame and door is painted white. Everything looks good against white! ”  

  She was right!

Her home is a mix of five thousand dollar rugs in front of an ikea white bookshelf, an antique Indian painting over an Ikea  ( white) hall table, a Nespresso coffee machine on a French provincial sideboard and everything looks fabulous!  That women could even pull off white linen outfits with her divine contrasting  thick curly black hair. What a bitch, but the thing is she is one of the nicest people I have ever met!  I cant even say that she is a bitch ‘cause she is not ….she is elegant and stylish like her home.

OH god is that what it comes down to elegance. If I smoke a menthol cigarette from an ebony cigarette holder on my Turkish carpet leaning against  my  colourful Indian “poof” (or Pooh-F as I like to say )will I be ELEGANT?.

I seriously doubt it unless I am reading “A Catcher in the Rye” of course. A room and decor is a metaphor of the mind and mine is cluttered, it’s academic-(ally challenged ) it’s alternative thinking, it’s tre tre cool and I am a legend in my own messy loungeroom. 

dog's breakfast
dog’s breakfast

Andy  xoxo


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